by Maddox Emery Arnold
Genrepunk Magazine
- You are meeting someone new (yippee). How will they interpret you today?
a. As a man (see #2)
b. As a woman (see #3) - Congratulations, they almost got it right this time. What else do their eyes tell you?
a. They think you’re straight (see #4)
b. They think you’re gay (see #5) - Damn. Was it the XX chromosomes that gave you away? Ah, well. Try to twist your clenched teeth into a polite smile. Then, continue to #6.
- Sigh… Consult the Manual of Inscrutable Heterosexual Male Greetings & Handshakes and choose from the following, then continue to #6.
a. Fist Bump
b. Forearm Grip for Businessmen?
c. The One-Two Punch???
d. Assert your dominance by refusing to make physical contact??????? - Even closer! Tell them “I’m charmed” while they look for their hand sanitizer. Continue.
- There’s a small chance that at any point in the conversation they’ll decide to simply avoid you altogether, eyes down and hands by their sides, terrified of getting it wrong. If this is the case, you are legally permitted to back away slowly and profess you have achieved elgeebeetee invisibility. Continue.
- Interaction may be inhibited by the philosophy that comes with it. Academic pursuit of the probability of cordiality, percentages of a smile, politics of a nod. But don’t worry, you have a PhD in not knowing things.
- Maybe you should have stayed in.
- Or maybe you should catalogue every minutiae of interpersonal exchange, put it in a spreadsheet, finally learn Excel so it’ll run the numbers for you.
- After all, what are you to them? They have all the variables, but you’re the measly x, pinned on an axis and trapped in two dimensions.
- Interaction concludes. Get the hell out of there.
- Report findings. I don’t know to whom.
- On second thought, you should probably just keep them to yourself.
Maddox Emory Arnold (he/they) is a writer and educator based in Chicago. His words can be found in If There’s Anyone Left, HAD, NonBinary Review, Flame Tree Press’ Sun Rising Collection, and elsewhere. You can find him online at maddoxemoryarnold.com/home.